I Escape Joy the same way I Escape Pain

“Nope, stick with it, Aim,” I thought, as my mind bounced forward into Future and back into Past. I wanted to be Now. Not because it was a hard emotion that I should practice feeling. But because it was joy.

My almost daughter-in-law had effusively and appreciatively complimented the wedding centerpieces I had worked on for days. “I’m just so grateful that you took the ideas I had and made something so beautiful!” She loved how they looked. She noticed my time and energy spent. She said it all out loud with genuine love and enthusiasm. 

I beamed (and preened internally) at her praise, letting the moment linger. Then she and my son gave me squeezy, happy hugs and whisked themselves back up the mountain to finish their semester. 

Still smiling broadly, my insides like effervescent bubbles wrapped in a down comforter, a small thought stopped me as I embarked on the next task. 

“Feel this feeling.” 

Hmm… usually feeling emotions was… difficult for me. I had to work to stay with the emotion: feel the difficult emotion and not micro-dissociate to avoid it. I had been practicing that. Now a new awareness dawned on me: I rarely take the time to deeply feel the ‘positive’ emotions either. I usually didn’t relish happiness, joy, buoyancy. I just used them as fodder for my next endeavor. 

But this time…this time maybe I would use this growing skill set of feeling my emotions to bask in joy and love. To cling to it in my consciousness for just a little longer, instead of instantly cannibalizing it for the next undertaking. What would that look like?

I walked to my room and sat down. Instead of directing my energy to tasks, I simply let myself continue smiling. I let out a peaceful sigh. It was such a luxury to allow myself to remain in the moment with this feeling. I loved those two! And the next step is to put everything in bins… I caught myself popping right out of Now into Future, strategizing for optimal outcome. Hmm… I was doing exactly the same thing with an ‘easy’ emotion that I did with ‘hard’ emotions. Leaving the Now, into the Future or the Past. Simply not feeling it. 

“No,” I demanded, as I lassoed my mind back. Not this time. This time I will feel my happiness. I will savor it for a moment, not just relinquish it to the tasks, the possibilities, the worries.

I closed my eyes. Again my mind slipped forward into lists. Again I retrieved it. “Like in meditation,” I reasoned. Redirect the mind back to the mantra repeatedly, whenever it slips. 

“But why?” I questioned as frustration crept in. This joy and love were lovely emotions to feel. Why would my mind skip ahead out of delight? Apparently my adaptation of leaving the Now applied to ALL my emotions, not just the ‘negative’ ones. 

The reality began to sink in that I flee joy like I flee pain. I suppose the solution is the same as when I was a kid in piano lessons: practice.